The swing part is fairly obvious - the ups and downs. A recent example of this was when, last Friday I ran my fastest 10k since 2007. An "up" which was followed by a great long ride and XC run just 2 days later. A couple of slightly lighter days, and then I rode the 38km to work, ran off the bike, was on my feet all day teaching vet students, then rode home. With a few hard sessions, then a big day like Wednesday comes the inevitable fatigue. Physically, I usually manage to push through that, no matter what. After all, it's what Ironman is all about. But I now recognise that the mental signals often come before the physical ones. On Thursday, I swam well, worked at home all morning, and then just didn't want to get up from my desk to run at lunchtime. Procrastination got me to the point where I was really hungry, and I debated sacking the run and just eating lunch. This wasn't any big, or hard run, just 45min easy! Anyway, eventually I got out there, felt pretty flat for about 20min, but then my legs came back, and I finished it well.In the past, these swings used to really throw me. I used to berate myself for feeling that way (not the "ups" of course! Only the "downs"). I used to think "you are meant to enjoy doing this, it shouldn't be a chore". Or " you have no injuries, you are healthy, you should appreciate that and just get out there". What a waste of energy that was! Now I can handle the swings much better. I can acknowledge that I won't feel good every day, and as long as I'm not slipping into real fatigue, I'm happy to be patient and wait for the next upswing. A good way of dealing with those rubbish days is just to give myself the credit for ticking off a session, however it gets done, and move on.
The roundabout analogy refers to the self-talk that crops up, which serves no positive purpose. There is a time and place for a mantra, especially a positive one. For me, when I'm really struggling physically I only need to think "getting through this will help you in Kona", or "you're banking great kilometres here", and it gives me the nudge to keep pushing. Even mentally, when I'm struggling, I think to myself "you're training to suffer. When it gets tough in Kona and you question yourself, this will help you to keep going". After all, this sport gives us this incredible knowledge that we are capable of more than we thought we were. That is part of the magic of it.
But back to that roundabout. I was riding with a group of friends on Saturday; all stronger riders than me. I had managed to keep up for the first 90 minutes, so was feeling really positive. Then we hit the hills after Frankston. I'm pretty strong on a long, sustained climb (like a mountain!) but the short sharp hills absolutely blow my legs if I try to push them, and on a long, aerobic ride, I pay the price later. So as usual, I started to get dropped from the bunch. They kept looking back and slowing to let me catch up (remember I descend like a demon!) but the negative voice (I call her "Negative Nora") piped up within the first couple of hills. "You're shit on the bike! You're going to have everyone coming past you in Kona! No one is slow enough for you to ride with them!" These are the phrases that go around and around, just like someone stuck on a roundabout.
Can you imagine how you'd feel if someone said that to you? How nasty!! And yet this is how I speak to myself. It's no wonder I stop enjoying my rides, and end up dreading them! It's also no wonder I cry so often when I'm riding badly - I'm bullying myself at 41 years of age! Of course then I tell myself how ridiculous it is, which makes me feel worse!
I have told a few people about this and heard that others have similar thoughts/doubts. So how do you jump off that roundabout and stop it ruining your fun?
Well I can't say I've nailed the answer yet, or I wouldn't have reacted like I did on Saturday!
But a massive step forward for me recently has been starting meditation and mindfulness. What it teaches you is that thoughts are just thoughts. You can observe them, with curiosity, or you can let them take you over and bring you down. And that's what I did on Saturday. I watched my thoughts. I put on some music, I started planning what I would write in my blog.
Distraction, and a shift in focus can certainly help get you off that roundabout. Other ways to take your mind off those negative thoughts are to have a schedule for your nutrition. Keeping an eye on the clock, and rotating through different types of nutrition (gel, drink, solid) can keep the mind occupied. Focus on technique. Are you fully engaging your pedal stroke? Do you have a good cadence? (I don't!) An extreme version of keeping the mind busy was demonstrated by Peter, my wonderful husband. In Ironman Los Cabos, he wanted to take his mind off the ride. So he conceptualised starting his own business! Two incredibly successful years later, he has a full workload!
I actually really hope that most people reading this don't have to deal with too many swings and roundabouts, as I do. But for those that do, know that you are not alone. Name your negative voice, it makes it seem less menacing! Observe your thoughts, but don't let them rule you, and remember they are not who you are.
I'm heading to Noosa this week for 8 days of warm weather training. I am incredibly grateful to my work colleagues and Peter for giving me the time to do this. My mantra for this week is "I am grateful". If Negative Nora rears her nasty head, I'll be telling her to shut up!
